A year on from the first lockdown, Amanda Briggs takes a hard look backwards and forwards, in an open letter to our political masters:

Dear Boris and Matt,

Thank you for sticking to the roadmap and opening the pubs and non-essential shops on the 12 April.  We promise we’ll be very good and won’t take the piss again. We will wear masks, wash our hands and have the second vaccine, even though the first one made a lot of us feel like we’d been hit by a bus. Or come out in a nasty rash. We’ll even take the Astro Zeneca again, if there’s nothing better on offer. Despite the many U-turns, contradictions and dubious actions of some government ministers over the last 12 months, we realise that none of us could have done any better, particularly since we have not been allowed to go to the pub, where we would have discussed at length what you should have done and resolved your problems for you on our regular Friday nights.  

Just please don’t put us in another lockdown again. We are tired of shopping for clothes in supermarkets and need more non-essentials in our lives. We have learned our lessons and understand the following misconceptions or new normals:

1 We are individuals and not part of the herd.

False.  We understand that stockpiling toilet paper, queuing at B&Q and going to the beach on a hot day were not the best choices.

2 Lockdown is a break from the normal stresses and strains of life.

False. Resolutions to lose weight, get fit, read/write/cook more, redesign storage spaces and redecorate a neglected room didn’t manifest themselves into the regeneration we had initially hoped for, and instead put more pressure on us by increasing stress and guilt as we failed to achieve these self-set goals. Panic is now setting in as we have to reveal our bodies and homes to others.

3 The answer to boredom, frustration, fear, limitations of movement is to watch hours and hours of boxsets on the sofa, eating crisps, chocolate biscuits, egg sandwiches and drinking tea and wine alternatively. Couch to 5K is a nice activity to think about from the couch.

True.

4 Growing your own vegetables is satisfying and contribute to environmental sustainability.

False. While some neighbours brag of bounteous crops and share endless supplies of prize runner beans and courgettes throughout the community, for most of us the cost-benefit of time/effort v output was discouraging to say the least, once the daily skirmishes with greenfly, slugs and snails were permanently lost. Final end of season success of the most resilient, half-watered, half-neglected tomatoes and chillies turned into surprisingly tasty bottled chutney and pickle that will remain jarred and uneaten in the cupboard until the next global pandemic or nuclear war.

5 Zoom is a good way to maintain physical connection over time and space during the pandemic.

False. Zoom is a soulless, error-ridden (you’re on mute, you’re frozen), and disturbing ‘black mirror’, caused by trying to ignore or avoid looking at yourself, as each time you do, you are perpetually shocked by what you look like, and by how you actually appear to others.

6 Conspiracy theories about the pandemic are all nonsense.

Maybe, but mildly intriguing. Concocted in a Chinese lab; a street market selling bat meat; population control, mind control. Certainly worthy of some speculation, if only for humourous purposes.

7 Watching the regular news bulletins keeps you updated on any new developments.

False. All important news is shared via WhatsApp jokes. We stopped watching the governmental briefings and news bulletins in April 2020, and are alerted to new news once the memes come flooding in.

8 Social events, parties, family get-togethers and work-dos must be limited.

True. Lockdown gave us the ultimate reason to decline and then cancel all obligatory social events. We will now have to return to the normal excuses for avoiding such events, but a little cough at the start of the conversation might help ease any extrication. For this we are very grateful.

Yours, on behalf of the British Public …

PHOTOGRAPHS: GREG FREEMAN